Battles That Never Seem To End

My mother and I have never been able to get along. All my memories consist of all the fights my mother and I have fought which none of them ended anywhere thats considered worked out between us. Fights that consist of the real deal and many that would be considered over stupid little things. I am so sick of it!!!!
Everytime we have some sort of conversation it always ends up yelling at each other til the cows come home. She always takes what i say the wrong way and is always on the defence when i say anything. She always says i dont listen when i always do. I cant help that she jumps down my throat at the first possible moment when she thinks everything is against her!!
On mondays during the summer my mom has the day off since she is a secretary of a school, so on that note today is monday and i got ready to leave when she asks me what i am up to and i told her i am going out and will be back. So far so good it seems right?
I went to my college campus store to look for the isbn numbers for my text books for my fall semester. Then decided to go to walmart since they have sales on appliances thats cheap which i wanted to buy for when i get an apartment. Which by the way was amazing.
So I get home and walk in to find my mom smiling so i was like okay shes happy which is always good. But I decided to bring up the money/tax topic up to her. Was this a good idea?
HELLS NO!!!!
You see i paid for practically all my tuition myself and i couldnt put it on my tax returns because my parents took me as a dependent. My parents promised if they get anything back from taxes that is related to school they would give it to me. So I asked my mom about it and told her i was hoping to use that money in order to pay for my health insurance for school since they dont have it. Then she told me that she didnt know and they didnt get federal back. I was so upset about it. I could of put myself as a dependent and got mad money back and pay a lot of things for college and i told her that. Then she threw a fit. She was saying how they my parents mind you will always take me as a dependent and there was nothing i could do about it. I was like that is so selfish. Its like using me in order to get more money back on their tax returns without even thinking that if i did put myself as a dependent i could have been able to worry less about money for college. I seriously wanted to slap her. Im sorry but im not going to lie about how i felt at that moment. I told her you should seriously hear yourself.
I went into my room to look up the law on tax dependents to find out that they could keep me on as a dependent because i live at home and i am a full time student. The only thing i can do is move out and i then can claim myself. I always feel like im chained to them and I CANT STAND THAT!!!
They always seem to create more problems than solve anything. She never even let me explain that i was hoping to not use as much of my savings money to pay for both insurance and tuition. But no its always about them, well excuse me HER!! Then after a while she yells up the stairs for me and instead of talking to me like a civilized person, she is still upset with me and throws me attitude in the mix. Using the excuse that im like its none of your business and never giving them figures and that I wouldnt allow them to know anything.
FIRST OF ALL, i never said to her that they couldnt know how much it cost. SECOND, when i said that i meant personal life and there is some things with money like my savings and other payments which is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS!! Last time i checked im an adult. AND THIRDLY, I have told them figures which were rounded because i couldnt remember exact figures and discussed it with them. I have talked to them about the money from the taxes for what i paid for school and I SWEAR SHE SAID THAT THEY WERE GIVEN BACK $1000. I think they might be using it and if im right I SWEAR ILL BE SOOO PISSED!!!
Im so tired of this bullshit and i want to be on my own. Im sick of living at home where im questioned and yelled at all the time like a fucking prisoner!!! Im sick of trying to work things out when its impossible. All i can say is good bye and fare well because i will walk out when the opportunity is right. Im not staying home forever fuck that.
Once im out peace and tranquility, thats all i really want!!!!!!

Thoughts of a Single Ladie

Being single is nice but when exactly is being single too long??? Lately as I walk around a depressing concrete campus, I see so many couples and it makes me think of what I am missing....A MAN IN MY LIFE!!!! lol I enjoy being single but there are those moments when I just want someone to be there by my side, someone to cherish, someone I can tell my most deep inner thoughts, overall someone that just loves me for the goofball that I am. I know I have my friends who are always there for me but it never fills that void of that special guy in your life.

One Wednesday afternoon in the hall outside the classroom I have spanish class in, there was a girl probably 18 years old sitting on floor lying against the cold, gray, metal lockers reading a book for what I assumed was for an English class. You see, I actually she this girl three times a week since we both have classes at the same time and our classrooms are right across from each other but that Wednesday afternoon there was something about her that touch my heart. As she was sitting there reading I couldnt help but observe her. Even now I can tell you her whole profile from what her hair was like that day to what she was wearing. It might sound creepy but you will understand why I remember this so vividly.

She is short probably my height (5ft 1) or a little shorter and petite but in a good way. Her hair is dark enough to be considered black in a unkept short haircut style (shoulder length) that you can tell she just lets her hair air dry after she takes a shower. Her glasses, which reminded me of harry potters but smaller and a little more oval, made her look intelligent but gave her features no justice. She wore a long-sleeved green sweater with a sand colored turtle neck underneath and a pair of pants with a pair of brown shoes that were very plain. Just from I described of her I thought the phrase "plain jane".

I was thinking to myself does she care about what she wears or what her hair looks like?? I know these are random thoughts to be thinking but that is how my brian works lol . Anyways back to this random story of mine, the classes before our has ended and people were coming out of the classrooms to head to who knows where. I started walkin across the hall to my classroom door when I looked over my left shoulder and "plain jane", as I will call her, was staring into the eyes of who was obviously her boyfriend lol. Yea, you would ask me, what is so endearing about that. Well, when you see a man holding in a loving, gentle way his girl's head towards him and see in plain jane's eyes the look of adoration, you would have just as easily been smiling at this as I was when I saw this. The look in her eyes just glistened and you just knew that she truely loved him and that he loved her.

All I could think of was how happy I was for a someone whom I personally don't know; a stranger who happened to be waiting for a class to start at the same time and place where I was waiting for a class to begin. Except this is what brings me back to my original thoughts I have written to you about; it reminds me of my missing someone in my life. Now don't get the wrong intention thinking that I'm going to jump for the first person in front of me; oh no I am ever fixed on finding someone I truely like and love. Real relationships is what my heart truely longs for and not some your just there to be there type of relationship. I wish for my own love story to begin whether its like a fairy tale or not. Stories like Pride and Prejudice, Romeo and Juliet, Sense and Sensibility, Emma, The Notebook, Merchant of Venice, and others keep me dreaming to no end of my heart's desire. I will not lie to you of this and it is something hard to admit but it is true. I pray to God that there is someone out there for me who is a good man, but as Elizabeth Bennet says in Pride and Prejudice, "nothing but the deepest love could ever induce me into matrimony."

"Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds. Or bends with the remover to remove. Oh no! It is an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken."
~ Sense and Sensibility (movie)